


I'll Wake Up Where The Clouds Are Far Behind Me (But I'm Not Quite There Yet)

by fluffbird



Series: Post-Canon Spiritshipping Shenanigans [7]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Arguing, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, sorry if this ones a bit ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8838001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffbird/pseuds/fluffbird
Summary: Judai confronts Johan about the nightmares he's been having, but accidentally causes Johan to have a panic attack in the process. Takes place the day after "Dream A Little Dream Of Me".





	

“Johan, we need to talk.”

The voice was unmistakably Judai’s, and Johan turned around to face his boyfriend. Johan was stood in the kitchen, right next to a counter, and when Judai entered the room he had been just about to start making dinner.

“What’s up?” asked Johan, “Is something wrong?”

From his position in the doorway, Judai nodded.

“Yes, and I think you know what it is,” he said, and started walking toward Johan, “I want to talk about what happened tonight.”

Johan flinched and looked away from Judai. Last night, his boyfriend had woken him up from one of his frequent nightmares, and in the process found out what Johan had been doing his best to hide from him. Even now, years after anything had happened, Johan was still terrified of Yubel.

“Oh,” said Johan, “I’m sorry.”

By now, Judai had walked all the way across the room and ended up next to Johan.

“Johan, no,” said Judai and put a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder,“That’s not what we- what I mean. Neither me or Yubel blame you for how you feel, okay?”

Johan looked up, his gaze locking with Judai’s. However, he couldn’t take the look of worry and concern present in those chocolate eyes for long, and closed his eyes.

“I should know better than to be afraid by now,” he mumbled and turned his head down. Absently, he noticed that Judai’s grip on his shoulder had gotten somewhat tighter.

“Johan, look at me,” said Judai, “Look at us.”

Johan opened his eyes again, and was faced with the dichromatic turquoise and orange eyes that still haunted his worst dreams. But they were placed on Judai’s face, the face of the one person whom he trusted the most in the entire world. He’d seen Judai use Yubel’s sight before, of course he had, but to this day the clash of ‘danger!’ and ‘safe!’ still caused a strange and uneasy feeling to blossom up in his stomach.

“Johan, your fear is not your fault,” said Judai, although Johan wasn’t entirely sure it was really just him speaking. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s ours. We do not blame you. We understand. We still regret what happened there, too.”

Johan swallowed.

“I- I guess,” he mumbled. He tried to stabilize his breathing, and absently he wondered when it had gotten this hectic in the first place. Unable to take the sight of Yubel’s eyes, he cast his gaze to the side. From the corner of his eye he could see a concerned-looking Judai let Yubel’s sight fade from his eyes. The moment he did, Johan closed his eyes and his legs gave out. Judai, of course, caught him and kept the two standing in an upright position.

“Johan, breathe,” said Judai, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No,” said Johan, “I- I think I need to face this.”

Johan stood back up, leaning away from Judai and instead leaning back onto the counter again. “Do it again,” he said, “Just do it. If- If I can’t even see the person who truly are without freaking out, this whole living together thing isn’t going to work.”

“Johan,” pleaded Judai, that familiar tone of concern entering his voice. “You’re already having a panic attack. I’m not going to do it.”

“ _Do it_ ,” said Johan, looking intensely into Judai’s eyes. “Just… Just do it. Please.”

With a look of defeat, Judai closed his eyes. When he opened them again, the orange and turquoise was back. Johan swallowed, but didn’t look away.

“You sure you’re okay?” asked Judai, and Johan nodded.

“Yeah,” he said, “I- I need to be able to get used to this. I have to.”

But, the longer he stared into those dichromatic eyes, the more that unease deep within him grew. It wasn’t quite fear, he realized, just a strong and overwhelming feeling that something was very, very, wrong. But that wrongness was still all-consuming, and just the fact that it filled his very soul sparked fear of another kind in his heart.

“This isn’t working,” he said suddenly, looking away. Judai immediately dropped the eyes, blinking back his regular chocolate brown.

“I doubted it would. People don’t work like that,” said Judai. “Even if facing your fears can work sometimes, that still usually takes time. And that’s okay, Jo-.”

“No, that’s not it,” interrupted Johan. “It’s not working because I’m not actually facing my fears. I need to- I need to talk to them. Directly.”

“Johan I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said Judai, “If you can’t handle seeing me with their eyes, you definitely can’t handle seeing them directly.”

“I need to do this, Judai. I at least need to try. Please, let me talk to them,” said Johan.

“I won’t do that, Johan!” yelled Judai, “Don’t you realize how crazy you sound right now?! There’s nothing wrong with you being scared! It’s normal to be traumatized after going through something like what you have!”

Judai was crying, Johan realized. He was crying and sad and he wasn’t sure if the anger in his eyes were directed at Johan or Judai himself.

But Judai didn’t get it.

“Judai, I need to talk to them! I need to! Please!” he said, “Just let me talk to them. Five minutes is all I need. Please.”

Judai sighed and closed his eyes.

“I still think this is a bad idea,” he said, opening his eyes again. Mere moments later, Yubel appeared next to him.

“Hello,” said the spirit, “Nice to meet you properly.”

Johan didn’t reply. In fact, he didn’t even move - he couldn’t, he realized. From the corner of his eye, he was aware of Judai’s concerned expression - and he realized that the spirit in front of him mirrored that expression. As he tried to pull himself together, he noticed his arms were shaking and his hands were shaking and there were tears streaming down his cheeks and he couldn’t breathe, but then he could, and with a shaky voice, he spoke.

“H- Hello,” he said, “Nice- Nice to meet you too. Properly. Without all that- that- that possession stuff going on and all.”

“Johan,” said Yubel, and the shame and regret in their voice was so obvious it was almost tangible. “I am sorry. I really, truly, am sorry. I caused both you and Judai so much suffering and pain, and there is nothing I regret more than my actions during that year.”

Johan gave a weak nod, still barely able to keep himself together. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could hear his family calling for him, asking if he was alright, but he told them to stay away. This was his fight. This was his fear. He had to do this, and he had to do this on his own.

“I know,” he said, his voice beginning to regain some of its stability. “Although, I’ve already forgiven you for that. In fact, I think- I think I want to thank you. For taking care of Judai.”

Judai and Yubel glanced at each other, then looked back at Johan.

“I suppose,” said Yubel, “That I should say the same to you.”

The group fell into a somewhat awkward silence, and Johan noticed that he wasn’t feeling quite as afraid as he had at first. He was still scared, sure, and he knew that the only thing keeping him from a mental breakdown right now was probably the adrenaline rushing through his veins, but it was definitely tolerable.

“So, uh,” said Johan, “Are we- are we like, friends now?”

“Johan,” said Yubel. “I am part of Judai, and Judai loves you with all of his heart. Although in a different manner, I too already love you.”

“Well,” said Johan, “I guess… since I love Judai, and I love all of Judai, I think… I think I’ll be able to learn to love you too. In that different manner.”

It was a complete lie, and Johan knew that both Judai and Yubel could see right through it. At this rate- at this rate he’d probably never learn to feel completely safe around Yubel. And he hated that. But he had to stay strong, he couldn’t be weak, not now.

Yubel only smiled in return, and then the five minutes were up, and the spirit vanished back into the depths of Judai’s mind. The moment the spirit disappeared, Johan let out a huge breath that he didn’t know he’d been holding. He he tried to stand up straight, and then immediately stumbled a bit as all the adrenaline that had been keeping him going left his system. He didn’t fall, but Judai was right there supporting him in an instant anyway.

“You okay?” asked Judai.

Johan wanted to say yes. Yes, I’m fine, or at least I will be. He wanted to say that he had been right, that all he needed was to face his fear and it would disappear. But when he opened his mouth, none of those words would come.

What came instead was a broken sob, followed by him frantically dragging Judai toward him, desperately clinging to him for some small sense of comfort. Judai, thankfully, simply held him and rubbed his back, occasionally whispering words of comfort and love that Johan couldn’t quite make out. He didn’t need to though. The meaning of them got through well enough.

“It’s okay,” said Judai, “It’s all okay. You’re safe. Nobody is judging you. It’s okay.”

It wasn’t really okay, and Johan knew that. Judai wanted the two people he loved most in the world to be able to get along. But he couldn’t. At least not yet. Even though years had passed, even though he had technically forgiven Yubel… The mere sight of the spirit had been enough to get him panicking.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Shhhhh,” responded Judai, “It’s okay. It’s all okay. Nobody is angry at you. Nobody is disappointed at you.”

Johan wanted to object, to say that Judai should be disappointed, to say that he was sorry for being so scared of something he knew was never going to hurt him again. But, as Judai held him, and continued reassuring him, Johan realized something. Maybe- maybe it was okay for him to be the way he was. Judai really didn’t judge him. Judai still loved him. It was okay that it would take him much more time to get used to Yubel. It was okay that he might never get used to Yubel. It was okay.

Johan didn’t stop crying, he didn’t stop clinging to Judai, but his tears changed from tears of fear to tears of relief. Eventually, his breathing evened out, and he stopped shaking.

“Thank you,” he mumbled weakly as he let go of Judai and stood back up straight. “I uh. I think I should get to making food soon now.”

“Don’t strain yourself,” said Judai, “I’ll go get some takeout. You’re in no condition to be around sharp objects and burning hot stoves right now.”

Johan nodded weakly.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” he said, “I think… I think I’ll go sit down for a while.”

Judai nodded. As Johan turned to go walk to the living room, Judai was right beside him every step of the way, supporting him. The brown-haired young man didn’t leave his side until Johan was situated safely in the couch, with a thick blanket around his shoulders. Now that the whole situation was over, Johan had gladly allowed his family to materialize around him. Although they weren’t physically there - only Judai had the power to do something like that, and that was reserved for life-or-death situations - the presence of the spirits helped calm him down quite a bit.

“I think I’ll be fine now,” said Johan, “Go get that food, Judai.”

“You sure you’re okay with me leaving you?” asked Judai.

“Yeah, it’s not like you’re leaving me entirely alone,” answered Johan and gestured at Ruby, who had now taken up their usual position on Johan’s shoulder.

Judai nodded and left the room, presumably heading toward the hallway. Johan stared after him, until he heard the click of the apartment’s door opening and closing again.

Feeling very worn out from his earlier panic attack, Johan laid down on the couch and wrapped the blanket more snugly around himself. To avoid being squished (if spirits even could get squished), Ruby jumped off his shoulder and settled in front of him. Johan smiled at the spirit, before closing his eyes. He was just going to take a short rest, that was all.

As Johan closed his eyes, surrounded by the aura of safety radiating from his family, and Judai’s scent that lingered in the blanket, he drifted off into a world of peaceful and happy dreams.

* * *

“Johan, I’m home!” yelled Judai as soon as he’d closed the apartment door behind him.

When he got no response he carefully walked into the living room, and was confronted with Johan sleeping across the couch. One of his legs had slipped out onto the floor, and the blanket was probably more under him than over him, but he looked peaceful and Judai decided he didn’t want to disturb him.

Gently, so as to not make much noise, Judai walked out of the living room and into the kitchen, where he decided to put the food he’d gotten in the fridge away for later. Thai food worked pretty well even when re-heated, after all. Walking back into the living room, he carefully lifted Johan’s leg back up on the couch, then proceeded to pull the blanket up over him. Softly, he brushed a strand of hair out of Johan’s face, and then pressed his lips to his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Never forget, I love you,” he whispered, and then walked out of the room so as to not disturb the sleeping young man.

**Author's Note:**

> As much as I love the idea of Johan, Judai and Yubel living together in peace, I just don't really see it happening. Especially not any time soon after the show's end. Maybe, after years of living together, Johan would get used enough to Yubel that he could talk to them and hold up conversations, but you don't just go through something like the Dark World Arc and escape without being scarred for life. You just don't. Judai has the advantage of 1) knowing Yubel from an earlier life and 2) literally being fused with them, but Johan doesn't have that and it's going to take one hell of a long time for him to fully recover - if he ever recovers. Until then, the best Judai and Yubel can do for him is just what they've been doing throughout pretty much this entire fic collection: loving him and caring for him, and making sure he knows that they are okay with him being the way he is.


End file.
